Short Journey, LONG Way!

Wow, it sure has been a while since I have posted on my BLOG – sorry to anyone who was reading it – if anyone was! This has been a crazy busy summer and I am happy to say that while I have slacked on my blog updates, I have not slacked in running. I'll do a few quick updates to get you caught up...

My FIRST 5K didn't go as well as I hoped, but it was successful nonetheless. It was an overcast day, and we ran HILLS the whole time. It totally SUCKED. Here are some pics from my first 5K - Shadow Valley, Ogden in May 2010:

Overall, I think it went pretty well. My final time was 38:29, so not the greatest time, but at least I did it!

The next event we did was a 5K walk for The National MS Society to support my sister, Holly, who was just diagnosed with MS this year. There were over 4,000 people there and it was quite amazing to see us all walking through the streets of Salt Lake. Here are the pics:

Then, on June 12^th, I did another 5K for McKay-Dee’s 100 year anniversary. I was feeling pretty confident, since I had been doing a lot of running and wanted to beat my previous 5K time. Sadly, it was not to be. We woke up that morning to torrential winds and threatening skies. Not to be outdone by a little weather, we all bundled up and pressed on… the course was mostly uphill with strong winds.

I struggled with the darn hill (all the way up Harrison Blvd from 24^th street to 42^nd st) and had to walk a lot of the way. When I finished and saw that I did NOT beat my previous time I broke down crying, right at the finish line! It was a memorable 5K, to say the least!

So that's what has been going on - I am now training for the Ragnar Relay in October of this year. I sometimes wonder why I committed to do something so hard so soon, but I might as well go all in - or I might never do it. I will post more on that later.

Thanks for reading!

Leaps and Bounds!!

On Monday, the weather was absolutely gorgeous outside, so I decided to throw out my commitment to the treadmill and see where my feet could take me in the great outdoors. I figured I'd probably lose a little distance but being outside and getting some much needed vitamin D was worth the loss, in my mind. I decided to just repeat the previous workout from week 5 and see if I could do it.

Surprisingly, the world and my lungs were on my side - I started out walking at a great pace for a warmup and didn't lose my breath at all. I started jogging for my first 5 minute stretch and it was like magic - something has happened in between now and the last time I attempted to run outside and it was a beautfiul thing! I ran for my 5 minutes without stopping, and I felt like I could have gone longer, so on the next stretch I did, and it felt wonderful. Something about running and having that sunshine on your shoulders is just amazing. I went from my house to 32nd street in Ogden then back down Harrison Blvd for a total time of 30 mins. I had no idea how far I went, so I retraced my steps with my car and was shocked, to say the least. I went exactly 3 miles! I thought I would lose speed outside, but instead I gained it!

Later that day I paid a little - turns out my lungs were not so happy and not so ready. I had a cough for the rest of the day but that run was 100% worth it! Now the sun needs to just get its butt back outside so I can go explore my neighborhoods once more.

Today I returned to the treadmill somewhat begrudgingly, longing to be back outside, but excited to see where it could take me today. I also got some cork wedges put into my shoes to help with my super pronation, so after my run the other day I have blisters on my heels from the adjustment and I KNOW I am dedicated because they are quite painful to walk in, let alone run! Here is my workout for today:

Brisk 5 minute warm up walk, then:

Jog 3/4 mile (8 minutes)

Walk 1/2 mile (8 minutes)

Jog 3/4 mile (8 minutes)

Walk 1/2 mile (5 minutes)

Jog 3/4 mile (8 minutes)

After being outside, the treadmill is quite boring, as there is nothing to distract myself with, so I tend to focus on the time. My first 4 segments were quite strong, and I was feeling great. The last 8 minutes was tough, and I had to turn on the TV to try to take my attention off of the time, as it seemed to slow down to a crawl! I keep telling myself it's mind over matter, and if I focus on that I can pull through. I have made a commitment to stick to my program no matter what unless my body is in obvious decline and I am afraid of an injury.

It's all too easy to ease off and use asthma as an excuse, when really it's my mind that wants to pull back and be lazy. My good ole lungs are quite the troopers, as they keep going even when they don't really want to! They are good to let me know when enough is enough, but surprisingly, that doesn't happen very often. I think sometimes it's really easy to blame our weaknesses on illness, whether chronic or acute, and if we can get our minds to stay strong, our bodies are a lot tougher than we give them credit for.

I feel like I have made "Leaps and Bounds" as far as my progress goes this week. I was a little slower today on the treadmill, but I added another 1/2 mile, finishing up with 3.5 miles in 45 minutes. If the weather gets better I am going to stay outside, because I think the treadmill controls my pace too much, and when I do what feels good outside I go further. I think there is something to be said for that - the sun is such a healing power, and I think it helps to push me further than I think I can go. Plus, if I have no idea how far I am going I won't hold myself back.

I am going to try out a 5K this weekend to see how it goes. My next workout for week 5 is to jog 2 miles straight with no walking so I'll do that there and get a feel for what it's like running with other people.

Sorry this post was a little long, but I have a lot to say about my progress this week. :) OOH! I almost left out the best part! I am officially a size 4 once again!! There was a time last year when I thought I would never fit into those jeans again, and now that the moment is here I still don't know what to think. This is a very happy time in my life and I am loving every minute! I have the Couch Potato to 5K program to thank, as well as my own will and strength that I didn't know was in me.

Week Five!

Yes! I am officially at the halfway point. It feels great, but I am SO nervous for what's to come. This week I have been slacking a little bit - I'm still doing my runs but I'm not sticking to my schedule.

On Monday I finished up week 4, feeling a bit apprehensive considering how hard last week was for me. I was listening to The Used, thinking about the support I got from Melissa and Rosa, and the lyrics from one of their songs urged me on: "Today it felt, it felt better - just knowing this matters, I just feel stronger..." It's amazing what a little support from friends and music can do for you! I finished up the week coming in strong at 2.3 miles in 30 minutes. :)

This morning I got up ready and excited for my run, and this is what I saw out my window:
Seriously?? SNOW? Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised because we DO live in Utah, and in the past 24 hours we've had sun, rain, hail, and lightning, so why not add snow to the mix? The snow outside my window was a major roadblock for me. It is SO hard to get motivated when you'd rather stay inside! One thing that has helped me when I'm lacking motivation is to just tell myself that the hardest part is getting dressed - once I get dressed it's that much easier to get out the door!

Also, another tidbit I wanted to insert was that last week when I had to stop because I couldn't breathe, I asked my doctor when I went in for my allergy shots if there is anything I could do to help that, and she said to just use my Albuterol inhaler about 15 mins before exercising - I thought to myself, "Well DUH," but I hadn't been doing it. It works WONDERS for my lungs. My endurance has doubled and I am so happy about it!

Okay, on to today's workout. Here's what it was:

Brisk 5 minute warm up walk, then:
Jog 1/2 mile (5 minutes)
Walk 1/4 mile (3 minutes)
Jog 1/2 mile (5 minutes)
Walk 1/4 mile (3 minutes)
Jog 1/2 mile (5 minutes)

I have discovered that my mind has a LOT to do with how well I do during my runs. If I start thinking about my lungs and worrying that I won't be able to finish my workout, guess what happens? My lungs start to close! Crazy phenomenon, but it's the truth. So today when I started to think about losing my breath, I focused on something else, like how good I will feel when I finish, how strong I feel when I run, etc. and it worked. I can't even begin to tell you what a firm believer I am in the mind's power. If I just focus my energy on my strength during my running, I feel stronger immediately, even if I'm doing the same thing.

Today was relatively easy. It sounds strange to say that, considering how hard last week was, but I really think that when I'm tougher mentally, I'm tougher physically. Of course I still listen to my body and I would stop if it started screaming, but the little things are just that.... they're little. I'm starting to believe that running is teaching me huge metaphorical lessons - what do you think?

So the results today are pretty much the same as last time - 2.31 in 31 minutes, but I am doing a harder workout. Next time I will increase my distance and I'm looking forward to it! This is what I came home to: It's like spring and winter are fighting with each other over who gets to stick around!!



Oh! I almost forgot.. I am registering for my first official 5K on June 12. It's to celebrate McKay-Dee Hospital's 100th year of Healing, and it starts at the park right by my house and goes clear down to the new McKay Dee Hospital. That gives me 6 weeks to get ready - so now I HAVE to stick to my schedule, no matter what. I am super excited and I can't wait to cross the finish line!!

Yet Again...

I know you're all just dying to know if I made it through my final workout from week four, right? I don't actually know if anyone reads this so I may be talking to myself, but anyway... I did make it through it, but it didn't feel good at all. So I'm going to repeat it yet again before moving on. It's hard sometimes to hold myself back when I really want to keep going, but I have to remember that my body is trying to tell me it's not ready when I can't get through it. :)

This may be TMI, but Aunt Flo showed up yesterday so maybe that's why I've been struggling this week. I don't really know - I will gladly take any input on the matter? I know my lungs wouldn't open up this week, but my body also felt quite sluggish and the combination is just not one for success, so maybe that's all it is, and I can move on next week knowing I will do much better!

Until next week!

Week Four - Elation, Accomplishment, Frustration and Restraint.

Those four words pretty much describe my entire week. It is incredible to think that I experienced each word in its direct order throughout my workouts this past week, and it is quite an amazing situation when I'm on the treadmill and my mind is fighting my body. It's an almost out of body experience - I feel like I have no direct say in what goes on with my body while I'm on that treadmill. I can only intervene and ask permission to continue, which is what my mind wants, but my body? Let's just say it wants the complete opposite!

Week Four's Workout is as follows:

Brisk 5 minute warm up walk, then:

- Jog 1/4 mile (3 minutes)
- Walk 1/8 mile (90 seconds)
- Jog 1/2 mile (5 minutes)
- Walk 1/4 mile (2-1/2 minutes)
- Jog 1/4 mile (3 minutes)
- Walk 1/8 mile (90 seconds)
- Jog 1/2 mile (5 minutes)

Day One: I am very, very nervous and apprehensive about what I'm going to do today. Five minutes of jogging seems like such a long time, and I hope I can do it. We exercised in the lower level of the gym today, and for some reason I feel stronger down there - there aren't as many people so maybe that's why. Anyway, I put on my inspirational song by Seether (Rise Above This) as I'm warming up and it gets me pumped up. As I go into the first stretch, I'm feeling great. My lungs are nice and clear, and my legs feel strong and full of energy. I walk the 1/8 mile, and then it's time for the 5 minutes. I mentally prepare myself and then, like Nike would say, I just did it. Simple as that. I remember thinking, "Well that was easy!"

I continued on through the entire workout with great energy, great focus, and great strength. As I finished that last 5 minute stretch, I couldn't help but grin like an idiot. If any of the other treadmillers caught a glimpse of me, they would have thought I was insane. I felt such an enormous sense of accomplishment at this point. It's like I'm making these giant leaps day by day, physically, mentally, and spiritually. It's a feeling I feel I will never be able to put into words. My results for today: 2.25 miles in 30 minutes.

Day Two: Pretty much the same as day one. I complete the workout with ease - I can feel the strength in my legs intensify with each move and each breath, and I focus on that. I feel that strength radiate into my soul, and it powers me on to accomplish this great task, and also in other aspects of my life. I am gaining confidence in myself and my abilities, and it shows.

Day Three: Then the walls come crashing down. The day is a little overcast today, and I wonder if it's affecting my mood and energy. Nevertheless, I continue on to the trusty treadmill. Today I have a partner with me, who I like to think is inspired by my blog, but she says she has been praying for someone or something to help her live a healthier lifestyle, and maybe this is it. Regardless, I am flattered, and more than willing to be a part of that change. We get to the gym and I once again put on my startup workout song by Seether. It pumps me up on my warmup walk, and I'm feeling good. Then I start the 3 minute segment. It seems harder today than normal, but I push on.

During the first 5 minute segment I feel as if time has slowed down, and even though I'm moving fast, everything else is moving slowly. I try to focus on that strength that powers me, but instead of strength today I feel fatigue - yet I push past it and entice my body to feel stronger. At 3-1/2 minutes, my lungs start to give me trouble, and I know I'm in for a real struggle now. I find myself in that battle with my mind and body, and I find myself begging my lungs to let me continue. I want so badly to be able to continue on to next week, and I can't do that if I can't make it through this workout. Finally I compromise, and at 4 minutes, I slow to my fast walk.

But my lungs are not done with their battle yet. They continue to inflame and I can feel each bronchiole slowly closing off with each step I take. At this point I am so frustrated, and I want to continue on but I start to acknowledge that my body is going to win this one. I know what will happen if I don't stop, and I really don't want to make a scene in the gym, especially since I left my inhaler home today. So I give in and slow my walk even more. I accept that for today, 1.5 miles in 22 minutes will have to be good enough.

As I drive home, I know I have two options. I can choose to be frustrated and upset that I couldn't accomplish my workout today, especially after making so much progress during the week, or I can choose to accept and appreciate the fact that my body told me when it could handle no more. I learned an important lesson in yoga yesterday. I can hate the things in my life that I can't control, expending useless and obscene amounts of energy, or I can merely accept them, acknowledge they are there, and live with them.

Today I have chosen the latter, and it feels good knowing that I listened. It looks like I will have to repeat this workout one more day this week, but it feels good making that decision. I know that I will "Rise Above This" in the words of Seether, and somehow knowing that makes it so much easier.

Week Three

The Workout: Brisk 5 minute warm up walk. Then 2 repetitions of the following:

- Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds)

- Walk 200 yard (or 90 seconds)
- Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes)
- Walk 400 yards (or 3 minutes)

Seems easy enough, but as we will find out, I did not learn my lesson from week 2.

Day One: The weather really is beautiful out, and I am itching to get outside, so I decide to give it one more shot. This time, I'm going to stay level and go the west, so I will be going downhill. The results? I did it, but I did not go as fast as I should have, ending up with 1.5 miles in 27 minutes for today. Still, at least I'm doing it.

Day Two: The weather is icky again (it's actually snowing!) and we have some really bad news. The treadmill needs a new belt, so at the moment it is unusable. Now, honestly, how many of you readers would feel like giving up, or giving yourself a break until it's fixed? I know I sure did. In fact, I skipped my workout that day. It felt great when I did, but I later regretted it. Big time. I feel like I let myself down. I have a gym membership, and I could have used it. But I was unwilling to defy one little challenge and I let myself go. What does this say about me as a person? This is something I definitely need to change.

After acknowledging my transgression, I made up my workout, completing 1.75 miles in 27 minutes. Maybe that burning desire to FINISH this fueled the longer distance. All I know is that it feels good.

Day Three: I again increased my mileage, obtaining 1.88 miles in 27 minutes. At the beginning of the week, it was very hard to jog for 3 minutes, and I will admit I had to push an extra workout in this week, just to keep up. I feel like I am pushing my lungs harder than I ever have before, and it's so rough some days. I am being very careful not to overdo it, because I do not want to be held back by an injury of any kind.

I have started drinking a post workout smoothie and it really helps. I am also doing yoga once or twice a week, and it helps keep my hamstrings and hip flexors nice and loose, as they seem to get very tight while I'm jogging. I have more energy, and have actually dropped a pant size. I haven't lost any weight, but it seems my body is thinning out in all the right places. I am gaining more confidence in myself, and overall life is pretty great!

Week Two

Week 2 Workout: Brisk 5 minute warm up walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and 2 minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.

Day One: It is a little intimidating to think that I will be jogging for 1-1/2 minutes nonstop. Most people would laugh at this, but as an asthmatic, that fear of my lungs closing up is a real one, and I have never really tried or been able to jog for this long. I want very much for my body to cooperate with me and I am afraid of my lungs interfering with my progress.

I soon find that it is completely achievable, and I complete my first workout of the week in 30 minutes, going a total of 2 miles. YES!!! I am on top of the world right now, and to top it off, my jeans are already starting to fit a little better. There is no greater reward right now in my mind.

Day Two: Almost identical results: 1.9 miles in 29 minutes. I cannot even begin to describe the level of accomplishment I am feeling - and the empowerment within myself knowing that I can DO this! It's a superb confidence builder.

Day Three: The weather is getting nicer out, so I decide to try an outdoors run. BAD idea!! I live on the east bench of the Wasatch Mountains in Ogden, UT and my neighborhood is VERY hilly. Nevertheless, I tried to run on a level stretch and I honestly felt like I was dragging concrete behind me. I had to turn around and go home before I finished my workout, which was frustrating. Although when I got home I found that there was a storm on the way, which explained why I couldn't breathe - the air was heavy, and boy did I pay for that run!

I think I'll stick to the treadmill until I get through this program, then go from there. :)

Week One

Week One:

The Workout: Brisk 5 minute warm up walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes. This is to be done 3 days throughout the week, preferably with a day of rest in between.

I am excited, but nervous. I like knowing that I have options, and that my workout will change week to week, so I will never know what to expect, and therefore I will not get bored. Plus, it's only 20 minutes. Totally doable, right?

Day One: I get dressed and do some quick stretches. I take my waterbottle, phone, and ipod and place them on the old but trusty treadmill we own. I need to find some good workout music, so I start with a party playlist made a few years ago for my birthday. Pretty good, although I definitely need to make a workout playlist - you can most certainly tell I do not workout often!

I start out at a moderate pace, walking for my warmup. I'm feeling pretty good! I make it through the workout, and my lungs don't hurt at all. I have to say I was pretty impressed with my ability. I feel like I could have done more, and it feels great!

Day Two: Really, really hard to get going! It's not that I'm in pain, but I just don't have the motivation this time. I give myself a little pep talk and tell myself that the hardest part is getting dressed. Once I make it through that I can do anything, and it turns out I am right! I'm a lot more sluggish today though and though I am doing the same workout it takes me 8 minutes longer. I'm a little frustrated with my body but not defeated, and that's what counts.

Day Three: Again, it's hard to get going but today I do a little envisioning. I imagine how good I will feel knowing I completed my first set of 3 in one week, and I imagine my jeans fitting a little bit better. That's enough motivation to get me dressed and on the treadmill, and I even improved my time by 3 minutes! Whoo hoo!!

At the end of week one I am feeling good - the workouts were simple to complete and my lungs did not give me one bit of trouble. I am starting to think I can really do this, and it's a great feeling!

As promised, here is the link to the Couch Potato to 5K website: http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml.

Now on to week 2.

And So It Begins...

In order to understand what I am about to do, you must first understand a few things about me:

1. I have never EVER in my life jogged, skipped, shuffled, or run one mile without stopping.

2. I have never in my life done any form of cardiovascular exercise, aside from softball in the 4th grade.

Why? I have asthma, and I have let it hold me back. I could give you a bunch of excuses as to why my asthma has held me back, but let's be adults here. I have LET it hold me back. Asthma is not a person; therefore it cannot be blamed. Sure, it can contribute to my failures, but it is not wholly to blame. I am.

So what am I about to do? I am going to take a journey, as an asthmatic, from Couch Potato to 5K. I ran across this a while back and thought it would be fun to try, and what better place to start than a couch potato - it could very well be equivalent to an asthmatic, right?

The truth is, I want to do something a lot of people, including myself, would never expect me to be able to do, just so I can say I did it. I have actually already started this program and am in week 4. I was thinking yesterday while on the treadmill that I should blog my experiences and what I have learned so far. It has been an amazing journey to this point and I know it will only get better.

I don't know if this will be interesting for other people to read, but at least it's a kind of diary for me to track my experiences and feelings throughout this process that I feel will be life-changing. I will not let myself down and am looking forward to the finish line!

For those of you who want to "see" the transformation, I will attach a picture of me closest to the time I started the Couch Potato to 5K program near the end of January 2010. I will post a link to the actual website's program on each post so readers can check it out if they choose to do so.

Here we go!!

Waiting for Dessert

This is quite amazing.. I sort of borrowed it from another blog so I hope that was okay, and thanks. ;0)

It puts into words perfectly how I feel. :)

Waiting for Dessert...

This is a beautiful, beautiful story written by Christine Dallimore at We Are All Mothers. Somedays, it's only imagining that dessert, meant specifically for us, that keeps me going.

"Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know. You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!

The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvellous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!

Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please." The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on its way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think, "Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."

Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.

You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think, "Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."

Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon.

You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."

You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake?" You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.

As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.

Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says. "Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."

There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.

He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.

As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breath. That's all you can do. You breath and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.

After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No, this one was made especially for you." You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves you." If you look, you can see him there. You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.

You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way. The waiting, the crying, the agony. It's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.

In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.

You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

One of Those Days

I don't really keep up on this, but maybe I should start to a little more. :) I had sort of a crazy day today and tonight I am left feeling anxious and a bit empty. Everyone's blogs seem so happy and I'm so glad for the people who are - don't get me wrong I am very happy with my life - but there are bits and pieces that just suck, to put it bluntly. If I can't be real on a blog, where can I be? It's definitely hard for me to just put myself out there because I don't do that. I admit I sometimes have a hard time expressing my feelings to those closest to me. I am praying at the moment that nobody reads this, but if you do, consider yourself lucky I guess.

I'm scared. I'm not really afraid of the future, but I'm afraid for the things I can't control. I understand that adversity is given to us to make us stronger, but it's scary at the same time. It's even scarier and much harder to bear when I feel like no one understands and can sympathize with what I am going through. I put on a brave face, and yes, most of the time I am just fine but sometimes I would like nothing better than to just cry.

I'm afraid to admit that I am afraid, if that makes sense. Some days I am terrified that my dreams won't come true. I am happy with what I have, but I yearn for what I do not yet have. I know I need to learn patience, and I think I have done a pretty good job of it so far, but obviously I need to learn more. It seems that every problem I have had in my life to this point that seemed so incredibly significant at the time is so minor and unimportant compared to what I have had to face recently. It's like a bad dream that I hope will come to an end soon.

I have very vivid dreams consistently about my babies being placed in my arms and I wake up to sheer disappointment. There is no greater nightmare than waking up from bliss and realizing it was just a dream. I see their sweet little faces and I feel greater joy than I have ever experienced in my lifetime, and wake up to disappointment. Why does my subconscious taunt me so?

Part of me wants to blame myself for some deed that warranted this struggle, but I know in my heart that's not true. I know I will have a family some day, but I don't know if I will ever get to experience pregnancy, and that scares me so much! I want to experience every part of it, even being sick and being so tired I can't stand it. I hope for those things, as crazy as it sounds. I don't want to be that girl that everyone feels like they need to be careful around when talking about babies. Looking back over the past year and a half, I am so, so grateful it hasn't happened. I love my husband dearly and I treasure every moment we have together, just us. It was never my intention to rush things, but part of me is scared that if we don't go for this now it will only get harder.

I am not a depressed nor a depressing person. I make it a habit to face challenges head on and look for the best in situations, but dang it, this one is hard. It's really, really hard. I try so hard to be brave and optimistic and sometimes it beats me. Today is one of those days.

Sorry, but Cowboys started in the West.

I don't know if anyone has noticed, but lately country singers from down south are adding cowboys to their songs... like that's what makes them country! Frankly, I don't like it. I believe Cowboys (and Cowgirls) started in the West, and they shouldn't act like they invented it! I am willing to acknowledge that I might be a little uneducated about the subject, so I did some research in order to not sound like an idiot when I'm stating my opinion.

Most of the variations of "country" music DID start in the South. It started out as a mix of traditional folk music, celtic music, and old-time music and it was eventually popularized in Nashville, of course. This type of music was originally called hillbilly music, but since that's a little degrading, it was changed to country music in the 1940's. However, there was another type of "country" music that became popular in the 30's and 40's which consisted of Cowboy songs. Cowboy songs had been recorded since the 1920's and became popular in Hollywood Cowboy films.

Anyway, there are many definitions of country. In the South, early country consists of Hillbilly Boogie (Delmore Brothers), folk, bluegrass, and gospel (Red Foley), Honky Tonk (Hank Williams) and Rockabilly (Elvis Presley), to name a few. Nashville's modernized country includes more of a pop sound, and is called Countrypolitan (Patsy Cline, Tammy Wynette, etc.), moving on to Country Rock in the 60's which was made further popular in the following decades by singers such as Garth Brooks, Dolly Parton, Dwight Yoakam, etc. A few other genres of southern country include Outlaw Country (David Allan Coe, Waylon Jennings, Willie Nelson) and Neocountry (Charlie Daniels Band).

Today's Country Pop has roots in Countrypolitan and Country Rock, and has combined these popular genres to pretty much rule the radiowaves today, and it started out in the 70's with singers such as the Bellamy Brothers, John Denver, and the Eagles.

Now here's a little lesson in Country WESTERN music. While not as diversified as the South, Country Western does have some good roots. :) Of course we have the Singing Cowboys, as mentioned above, who included Gene Autry and Roy Rogers. Then we have a variation called Western Swing, which was a combination of Country and Jazz, and was made popular by Bob Wills, Tex Williams, and Spade Cooley.

Fun little fact: Bob Wills was one of the first ever known to add electric guitar to his band... nice work Bob!

In 1962, Ray Charles surprised the pop world and turned his musical talent to Country and Western music and topped the charts with "Can't Stop Loving You." In my research, I stumbled upon something I have never heard of before, called the Bakersfield sound, originating out of Bakersfield, CA; hence the name. :) It is a mix of hard core Honky Tonk mixed with Western Swing, and leading practitioners of this genre include Bob Wills, Merle Haggard, and Buck Owens. We as Westerners can also lay claim to Truck Driving Country (whoo hoo!) which is a mixture of Honky-Tonk, Country Rock, and the Bakersfield Sound. Its lyrics focus on a truck driving lifestyle and deal with trucks and love. The father of Truck Driving country is Dave Dudley.

All right, now that I've seen a breakdown of what Country music actually entails, I guess it's okay that they steal our Cowboys every once in a while. After all, they are dominating the Country market down there in Nashville, which is the Country Kingdom, so to speak. But I will definitely remain proud as can be of the Country Western that started around my neighborhood; of the Cowboys who roamed the plains, invented Cowboy Poetry around campfires, lived for rodeos, and the TRUE cowboys who wrote about "These Western Skies."

The Bucket List

This is something I have had for a while, and something I like to update every year or so... I thought why not post it? What actually inspired my "bucket list" was the movie, "A Walk to Remember" based on the book written by Nicholas Sparks, one of my favorite authors. So read it if you want to, make your own, or just think about it! It's a great way to make sure you're living the life you want right now, instead of just thinking about it.

I have placed an X by the things I have accomplished. :)


1. Learn how to drive a motorcycle.

2. Ride a motorcycle on Route 66. X


3. Learn how to scuba dive or snorkel. X

4. Learn how to surf.

5. Learn how to snowboard. X

6. Learn how to waterski. X

7. Conquer a fear: Water.

8. Be independent. X

9. Buy a house.

10. Decorate an entire house. X

11. Help a needy child. X

12. Buy a handbag in Paris.

13. Go to Italy. Go to Rome and tour the famous architecture there, including St. Peter's Square and the Vatican.

14. Go to Austria and see the Vienna Boys Choir perform in the Imperial Chapel in Vienna.

15. See the Vienna Boys Choir. X

16. See the Statue of Liberty.

17. Go to a pro football game.

18. Meet Martina McBride.

19. Record a song.

20. Write a song. X

21. Sing for more than 1,000 people at one time. X

22. Go to college. X

23. Graduate from college.

24. Date 100 people. X

25. Go to Israel.

26. Read the Bible.

27. Read the Book of Mormon. X

28. Have long hair. X

29. Sing in the Tabernacle Choir.

30. Be a flight attendant. Almost.. I interviewed, and then decided it was something I didn't want to do.

31. Host a party. X

32. Learn Karate. X

33. Be in a swimsuit contest. X

34. Play in the rain. X

35. Go to Mexico. X

36. Buy a sportscar.

37. Take a photography class.

38. Adopt a child.

39. Raise a family.

40. Fall in love. X

41. Go shopping in New York City.

42. Go to the opera.

43. Climb a radio tower. X

44. Own a pair of stilettos. X

45. Eat sushi. X

46. Stay in an expensive hotel. X

47. Save a life. X

48. Go to the temple.

49. Learn about a different culture. X

50. Own a Jeep.

51. Own a truck. X

52. Learn how to dance: Swing X
Latin X
Ballet X
Hip-hop X

53. Teach a class. X

54. Inspire someone. X

55. Go to South America.

56. Be successful. X

57. Go rock climbing. X

58. Go to the Garden of Gethsemane.

59. Be a model. X

60. Act in a play. X

61. Write a book. X - Not finished... a work in progress.

62. Publish a poem or essay. X

63. Run a half marathon.

64. Learn how to golf. 

65. Ride a horse. X

66. Ride a camel across sand dunes.

67. Go off-roading in Moab.

68. See the Narrows in Southern Utah. X

69. See the Arches. X

70. Drive a 63 Corvette with a split window.

71. Ride an elephant.

72. Act in a movie.  X

73. Go to a Broadway show. X

74. Hike through Kolob Canyon. X

75. Go to a ballet. X

76. Be a mother.

77. Own a store.

78. Go on a cruise. X

79. See an old southern plantation. X

80. Get married. X

82. Move across the country.

83. Go to a movie alone.

84. Drive across the country.

85. Tour Europe.

86. Adopt a puppy. X


87. Go to a cemetery in Europe.


88. Tour Versailles and the Arc de Triumphe in France. And the Louvre would be pretty cool.


89. Go to London.


90. Buy a pair of really expensive shoes.


91. Own a purple Softail Harley... deep purple only when the sun shines.


92.  Build a successful business from the ground up.


93.  Sing karaoke.


94.  Climb a mountain.


95.  Climb to Ben Lomond Peak 


96.  Run a full marathon.


97.  Practice yoga in Bali.


98.   Go to India.


99.  Learn and practice Astanga yoga.


100.  Become a yoga instructor.  X

Tribute to a Best Friend

For those of you who don't know her, this is my friend Lindsy. We have been best friends since we met at age 15. She moved in next door when my neighbor married her dad, and we were inseparable after that! We have been through everything: Overalls, divorce, Girl Talk, learning to drive, kissing boys to first relationships with boys, new families, old families, and just about every awkward thing a teenager can go through! More than that, we have maintained our friendship in the years following high school - and recently became best friends again.



Lindsy is a great person - one thing most people notice about her is her selflessness. She is all about helping other people, all the time. She has had an interesting life - and it's one that gets her in trouble sometimes - not by her own doing, but by others' inability to understand and be mature and accepting of consequences they can't control. I won't go into it because it's really not my business, but it makes me so sad to see somebody just openly badmouthing my best friend!


Lindsy is an honest, open, and caring person, and she would never intentionally hurt another person. It makes me really sad that she is the target of such nastiness and anger. I wish there was something I could do for her - I know it hurts her and her family. She and Derin are absolutely wonderful people and wonderful parents, and most people who read this blog know them and their story.


Lindsy and Derin have 13 children - 11 by Derin's previous marriage, and 2 of she and Derin's. Embree is 7 and Kinleigh is 2.






Embree

Lindsy and Kinleigh

Sorry I couldn't find a bigger pic!

I just want to give a shout out to Lindsy, for braving the storm. Reading the nasty comments made about Lindsy on Derin's ex-wife's blog made me realize that Lindsy is going through a lot more pain than I even knew. I just want her to know that I love her, and that I am here for her. There are many, many people whose lives she has touched and she is truly someone to look up to. I admire her every day for her courage. I admire what a great wife and mother she is. I mostly admire what a genuine and giving person she is. She is always willing to do anything for anybody.






Most of all, she is always willing to do what's best for her family and her friends. She is a great example of a true friend, and one that I am consistently trying to be more like. :)

Our House

So, our house has intrigued me from the first day I met it! Anyone who knows me knows I love love love houses and just about everything to do with them. Call me strange, but I talk to my house. I feel it has been neglected for so long it needs some love and assurance. :) Dustin bought our house about 4 years ago as a foreclosure, and it was a mess! Our neighbor told us it was a party house for the Weber State basketball team, so I'm sure you can imagine! Dustin told me he spent a month cleaning our house from floor to ceiling. The picture above was taken at Halloween.

We have done some work to it since I moved in and have really enjoyed our home improvement time together. There is still a lot we want to do, and I will keep you posted as we do more! A lot of people say they would never want to live in an old house, and I thought I was one of them. However, my old house has completely changed my mind! It has such character and such history that I can't help but be in love with it despite its shortcomings. :)

I had some bridal pictures taken on my front porch. :)

I have wanted to dig up some history on my house for a while but didn't quite know how to. The other day I went to the Weber Center in Ogden and asked the assessor how I would go about finding old records on my house. She sent me to the vault (yes, there is actually a real vault with public records!) and a cute little lady helped me. The assessor's office has it recorded that our house was built in 1917, so we looked in the book with that date range.

Getting ready to paint the dining room...

The book was in handwritten cursive, and it was tiny! Thank goodness we have always kept records though, or I would never be able to find anything out! We found our block and looked up the records for it. The first thing we found was a transfer of property for part of the block on June 23, 1913. Lucky for me, there was only one record on the whole block, and we have thought for a while that our house was the oldest on the block, so this confirmed it!

Dustin in his coveralls!! :)

What was interesting as I continued down the page for more information was another transfer, and the property was bought for 500 dollars by a J.P. Corry and his wife, Olive. J.P. Corry then took out the first mortgage recorded on July 14, 1913 for the amount of 1800 dollars with 8% interest! Ouch! So we concluded that the construction actually began in 1913 since you can't take a mortgage out on property. In February of 1914 J.P. Corry then borrowed another 2000 from a man named Dan Pugh. It's crazy that I could find all this information! I really consider myself quite lucky because I've heard how hard it can be.

I now believe that the house was completed in 1914, as on October 22, 1914, our house was sold to a lady named Ella M.A. Greenwell in the amount of 3500 dollars. I figured nobody is going to buy a half-finished house, especially a woman! I thought it was also interesting that her name was the only one that appeared. I am going to have to do some more digging. I want to find out more information about her, as I think she is the original owner of our house. I made it to the year 1936 so far, and Ella was still living there. I am going to go back and get a complete timeline, but I definitely want to know more about Ella.

I called my mom, who is the Internet guru - she can find ANYTHING online - and gave her Ella's name. Five minutes later she called me with a lot more information! Ella's maiden name was Morton, and she was the daughter of Ruther Verna Leavitt and William Anthony Morton. She married David Verne Greenwell, and my mom even found a marraige license, but it will cost me to get it. I'm going to look into it.

Here's the crazy part - while I was on the phone with my mom I was standing in my dining room, and when I said Ella Greenwell out loud, I seriously got chills! It could be that it's just crazy to think that she used to live in my house, but I think her name has not been spoken in my house for years and years, and it was a cool feeling. I would absolutely love to find a picture of her to keep in my house, as she is part of its history.

I am so excited to be finding out bits and pieces of my house's history. I think it's important, and hopefully when we decide to move it will be something that the next owners will treasure.

So there's some history on my house! The rest is still a mystery, but I'm digging it up! I will post more pictures when I get them organized. Sorry so long - I tend to write novels. I hope it wasn't boring! :)