One of Those Days

I don't really keep up on this, but maybe I should start to a little more. :) I had sort of a crazy day today and tonight I am left feeling anxious and a bit empty. Everyone's blogs seem so happy and I'm so glad for the people who are - don't get me wrong I am very happy with my life - but there are bits and pieces that just suck, to put it bluntly. If I can't be real on a blog, where can I be? It's definitely hard for me to just put myself out there because I don't do that. I admit I sometimes have a hard time expressing my feelings to those closest to me. I am praying at the moment that nobody reads this, but if you do, consider yourself lucky I guess.

I'm scared. I'm not really afraid of the future, but I'm afraid for the things I can't control. I understand that adversity is given to us to make us stronger, but it's scary at the same time. It's even scarier and much harder to bear when I feel like no one understands and can sympathize with what I am going through. I put on a brave face, and yes, most of the time I am just fine but sometimes I would like nothing better than to just cry.

I'm afraid to admit that I am afraid, if that makes sense. Some days I am terrified that my dreams won't come true. I am happy with what I have, but I yearn for what I do not yet have. I know I need to learn patience, and I think I have done a pretty good job of it so far, but obviously I need to learn more. It seems that every problem I have had in my life to this point that seemed so incredibly significant at the time is so minor and unimportant compared to what I have had to face recently. It's like a bad dream that I hope will come to an end soon.

I have very vivid dreams consistently about my babies being placed in my arms and I wake up to sheer disappointment. There is no greater nightmare than waking up from bliss and realizing it was just a dream. I see their sweet little faces and I feel greater joy than I have ever experienced in my lifetime, and wake up to disappointment. Why does my subconscious taunt me so?

Part of me wants to blame myself for some deed that warranted this struggle, but I know in my heart that's not true. I know I will have a family some day, but I don't know if I will ever get to experience pregnancy, and that scares me so much! I want to experience every part of it, even being sick and being so tired I can't stand it. I hope for those things, as crazy as it sounds. I don't want to be that girl that everyone feels like they need to be careful around when talking about babies. Looking back over the past year and a half, I am so, so grateful it hasn't happened. I love my husband dearly and I treasure every moment we have together, just us. It was never my intention to rush things, but part of me is scared that if we don't go for this now it will only get harder.

I am not a depressed nor a depressing person. I make it a habit to face challenges head on and look for the best in situations, but dang it, this one is hard. It's really, really hard. I try so hard to be brave and optimistic and sometimes it beats me. Today is one of those days.