The Little Things

 Lately I have been appreciating the little moments that bring me happiness.  Here are some pictures taken recently that made me smile.  

Fishing

And We Lived Happily Ever After.  :)

My first attempt at homemade Alfredo 

My honey finishing his first XTERRA

Besties in a Bouncy House

Fall Colors in the Beautiful Canyon Where I Live

Reacting

I need an outlet for the thoughts that keep swimming through my head.  The thoughts that kept me up half the night last night, and the thoughts I keep pushing away only to have them return with a vengeance.  I have been through a lot in the past week, and it's a long, long wait until this is officially over.  I want to be at the end of this, and I'm stuck right in the middle.  The days have slowed down, but sped up at the same time.  My life has slowed down, but I feel like it's moving too quickly.  Complete oxymoron, I know.

Last Wednesday was going great and I was in high spirits.  I was expecting lab results from the doctor that day, and I knew I had nothing to worry about.  Until they called.  It was very strange - they didn't seem worried at all until I got that call, and the urgency with which the nurse told me I would need a biopsy sent a pulse of adrenaline coursing through my veins.  The brief moments that she put me on hold were a lifetime, and all I could think about was calling Dustin.  I didn't think I was scared until those words came flying out of my mouth the second I got him on the phone, and the tears followed with no restraint.  Of course, this was the day I decided to wear makeup, and it went straight into my eyes.  I quickly packed up my things and left the office, knowing I'd have to go home to an empty house for a few hours and just sit there, but it seemed better than staying at work and not being able to focus on anything else.

As I drove, everything around me seemed to exist in a parallel-type existence.  It's hard to explain.  I almost felt like I was floating along the freeway.  Things looked different.  They felt different.  I cried and then I just stared.  I'm glad I made it home considering the state of mind I was in.  I came home and just sat there, staring into space, trying to wrap my mind around the looming possibility of that word that encompasses so much.  I wouldn't, and still haven't let it enter my mind or my speech.  Part of me thinks I'm in denial, or just too afraid that if I speak it, it will become real, when at this point in time it's just a possibility.  The one thought that just keeps running around up there, refusing to be ignored is simply this:  "I'm too young." To put it simply, I was completely shocked.  I honestly did not expect this to happen.

Dustin came home and we just lied on the bed together, talking about day to day things, trying to ignore what we knew we needed to talk about.  I think he somehow knows just what I need, because not talking about it calmed me - being in his presence calmed me.  If he wasn't so strong I don't know what I'd do.  I know he is worried, I could tell then and I can tell now, but he is strong, and he is what I need.  I'm so grateful for that.

It's amazing how when you live a positive life, those positive thoughts creep in without having to look for them - or maybe it's denial, who knows?  But I started to think, maybe it was a mistake.  Maybe it's not as bad as it sounds.  After all, we don't have an actual diagnosis - that's what the biopsy is for.  Maybe my blood is confused.  So I decided that I would push it out of my mind until I met with the doctor on Thursday afternoon.  I surprised myself by doing just that.  I made it through the work day and Dustin and I met at the hospital to discuss the findings and the need for a biopsy.

Dr. Parr's assistant gathered information and asked if I'd been having any pain, symptoms, etc. and then we met with Dr. Parr.  He said that basically what I've got is quite rare... to explain it in simple terms, I passed one test and failed another.  Most people either pass both or fail both.  So the biopsy will determine once and for all what this actually is.  I found myself surprisingly lucid, asking all the questions I felt needed to be asked, and how I know that the liver doesn't like to be poked and prodded.  Dr. Parr agreed with me, and told me about the risks of bleeding.  He seemed confident that since I'm so healthy it shouldn't be a problem.  So we scheduled it for this coming Friday.  After speaking with him, I felt a lot more confident, or at least more knowledgeable about the situation, which made me feel better.  I have always said that knowledge lends to confidence.

On the way home, I told Dustin how I'd been feeling and processing - how everything looks different, almost like it's not real - like I'm still here and everything is the same, but there is some sort of dark cloud covering my world and I'm fighting to get out from under it.  I find myself staring up at the gorgeous mountains I've gotten to know over the years, and wondering if I'll get to continue climbing them.  I wonder what will happen to my business that I've worked so hard for, and I refuse to wonder what Dustin's life would be like without me.  It's easy for me to imagine inanimate objects, like the things I love to do.  But I can't let my mind take me further - to the people I love.  I refuse to think about it.

Dustin's family has been so great, offering hugs and kind words.  I seriously love them all so much.  Shelley asked me on Saturday night how I'm so strong, and I told her I don't know.  I saw my mom on Sunday, and somehow I think your mother always knows, even when you put on a good show for everyone else.  She gave me a hug and I think she saw that I didn't want to talk about it, but she later asked if I was feeling okay - she knew I wasn't.  Since Sunday, I've started a spiral of sorts.  I got sick yet again, and maybe it's my body's way of telling me that I am stressing about it whether I acknowledge it or not - I don't know.  So now I'm even more frustrated because I wanted nothing more than to put in a great week at work before going in on Friday, and I'm stuck at home because I know my health is the most important thing right now.  I have to be healthy for Friday, and it seems like everything is piling up on me.  I'm letting negativity creep in, and it's just not me.

So instead of acknowledging either end of the spectrum, I have been seeking a sort of escape - and being sick makes that a lot easier.  Maybe it's my body's way of signaling to me that I need to deal with this in my own way?  Who knows.  I don't normally share my feelings so openly, but it sure feels good to get it out of my system.

I know that there is good news waiting for me down the line - I just don't know if it's going to be this week, next week, or months from now.  There is that little thing called doubt just trying to make its way in... especially because the news last week was so unexpected.  What if that happens again?  I'm scared.  I'm not scared of fighting this fight if that's what I need to do - I know I can fight.  I'm scared of bad news.  I'm scared of not being able to live the life I want to, and I'm scared of leaving this life before I'm ready to.  I'm scared that it's so real to me right now, and I wish this obstacle would just pass.

And there is a part of me that is angry for letting myself react to the thoughts running around in my head.

I Want to Be Remembered

Yesterday was an interesting day.  It was the 11th anniversary of 9/11, and I tend to find myself thinking about my life on that day, although yesterday more so than usual.  Sometimes life sneaks up on you and slaps you in the face as if to say, "Wake up stupid, start LIVING!"  I actually like to think I do a pretty good job at this thing called life, but I guess even I need a little reminder.

My doctor called me to tell me to get my butt in for an ultrasound of my liver, so naturally I complied.  I honestly wasn't too worried about it until I started having pain over the weekend.  Then those creepy little "What If" words started prying their way into my brain.  I did my best to push them aside until the day of the exam.  I hate worry.  Worry is a big green monster that has no purpose but to cause stress.  The thing about Worry is that you can't do anything about it because you don't know what the problem is, so how can you fix it?  

So, exam day arrives (9/11) and I find myself reflecting on how on this day 11 years ago, I was at this same exact hospital donating blood for the very first time.  I was 17 years old and had to get special permission from my mom.  They told me they were sending my blood to the site in New York, as my blood type is the Universal type, so they could most definitely use it.  They even informed me they were rushing the processing and it would be there in less than 48 hours.  Kind of cool for a 17-year-old.  I wonder who received that blood?  Since then I have donated many times, but I think I'm going to start a tradition of donating on 9/11, as my personal remembrance of that day.  

Anyway, I arrive for my ultrasound and the tech reviews my prior CT scan and MRI, and walks in saying, "Wow, that thing's impressive!"  I tell her "Um... that's not exactly what I want to hear... haha."  So she starts the ultrasound and as she's taking measurements she's like, "Whoa, have you had this thing biopsied?!" As I reply no, that's what the ultrasound is supposed to determine, she says, "Well are you going to?"  It's been my experience with ultrasound techs that they seem to lack a certain bedside empathy of sorts. I do my best to brush it aside, and as we finish, she lets me know my doctor will probably be in touch with me today.  

I don't know a lot about the human body, but from my experience in the medical field and with medical transcription, I do know this:  The liver is a tricky little SOB.  If you touch it, resect it, or even biopsy it, it has a tendency to be a major bleeder.  So naturally I don't want anyone touching mine!  Dustin asks me what I think as we get in the car, and I tell him I'm nervous. He tells me not to worry, but he thinks I'm probably going to need a biopsy.  Meh.  

The day goes on, and the hours seem to just slow down.  I'm not feeling well, and I don't know if it's due to nerves, or if I'm really fighting something.  I go to work and all I can find myself thinking about is those darn What Ifs.  Trying to shift my focus elsewhere, I dive into my daily duties when I arrive at work. However, my body takes over and I'm nauseous and feverish, so I head home and ultimately decide a nap is the best medicine for my body and my brain.  As I'm driving home, I think about my life insurance.  I know, I'm an insurance agent so naturally I would think of that, right?  WRONG.  I think about it because what would I do?  I honestly started thinking about how my policy would affect those left behind.  Luckily, I just increased my coverage so thankfully I'm leaving Dustin with enough to pay off debt and hopefully he can invest the rest and enjoy it.  

Here's the strange part - something I have NEVER thought about.  If I die young, I want to leave my family with something.  I don't have children yet, but I would like to leave my parents and siblings with a little something.  I didn't realize this before.  So in my brain I start divvying my life insurance policy, and I find I have enough to do this - but is it REALLY enough?  

Seriously, it's kind of stressful!  Anyway, at this point I told my brain to SHUT UP for now, and I arrived home for a nap.  A few hours later my doctor called. 

A thousand things could have been flying through my mind at this point, but surprisingly my mind was clear (must have been the nap).  He told me that while it's large, it hasn't changed and they think it's stable.  The recommendation is to leave it alone unless it grows or causes problems, so he was very relieved, as I was to hear it!!  

Dustin was out working in the yard, so I went and told him, and I could see the relief on his face.  The thing about Dustin is he's super tough mentally, so he'll never say he was worried, but he was definitely happy about the news.  It's a good thing he's tough, cos one of us needs to be.  :)  It works really well for us and I'm so grateful for him.  

At this point I have a new appreciation looking forward, and I have a feeling that's the lesson I was meant to learn.  I have been getting caught up in the daily grind, and that's something I can't do.  It's not me.  So this was a reminder for me to shake things up, and find balance.  There are many, many things I want to do with my life, and I don't ever want to face death knowing I didn't live chasing my dreams.  I am going to live each day relishing the simple things - and I am going to chase after the big things.  I am going to enjoy this beautiful Earth that God has given me, and I am going to live with an open and grateful heart.  I am going to be the best me I can be, and I want to touch others' lives in a positive way.  I want to be remembered, but more importantly, I want to know deep down in my heart that I did it all.  And that will be enough.  

~NAMASTE~

The Great Ben Lomond Hike

When we first moved to Utah from California, my mom took us up to North Ogden to see the house that my great-grandfather built, waaaay up on the hill.  She told us that at the time, it was the only house up there.  Nestled on the hill right up against the great Ben Lomond, the backyard made way to orchards and looked over all of Ogden.  She told me how my great-grandpa Blaylock would ride his horse up and over the North Ogden divide into Liberty, and how he made countless treks up to Ben Lomond Peak, where there was a flagpole and a box with a register for those adventurous enough to climb the steep mountain.  He had made these trips his entire life, and his father had also done the same.  My mom used to look through her binoculars as a child and she could make out the U.S. Flag topping the great peak.  She has many fond memories of this house, and though Grandpa Blaylock died relatively young, she has passed on many stories to us of the Naval Officer who traveled the world, but called North Ogden home.

Ben Lomond Peak as seen from North Ogden

I remember the first time I looked up at that great peak, beautiful, majestic, and looming.  There is something so intriguing about this peak among all other peaks in Utah - it called to me.  I don't know if its because of the stories of my great-grandfather, because of its empowering beauty, or simply just because, but that first time I set eyes on the Great Ben Lomond Peak I wanted to be up there, looking down at all of Ogden and see what my great and great-great grandfathers saw.  

I was about 12 years old when I decided this.  Unfortunately for me, I had been diagnosed with asthma about 3 years before, and was on chronic inhaler therapy.  My poor weak lungs could not handle aerobic activity, much less the elevation gain I would encounter while climbing the majestic Ben Lomond.  I set this desire in the back of my mind, but every time my attention drew northward, my eyes settled on the peak, and the wishing/hoping/waiting continued.  

I journeyed through school and went on to college, not thinking too much about this dream I had of climbing Ben Lomond.  I think a part of me had decided it would never be possible, so I settled for staring at it from below, enjoying its grandeur from the ground.  I enjoyed hiking along the Bonneville Shoreline trail with my mother, and occasionally with friends, at a slow even pace that allowed us to explore without losing our breath.  

Later, as my journey through life continued, I found my way to fitness and better health, ultimately kicking my asthma to the curb.  (This story can be found under the Journey to Health and Fitness tab of this blog, if you want to know more).  Last summer, I took up hiking again off and on, just as something fun to do on the weekends, but didn't really think much of going anywhere with it.  As my lungs continued to gain strength through running, a new fire burned in my heart, and last August, I decided I would climb to the peak by the end of THIS summer, giving me a year to prepare, and prepare I did!  

I have spent the better part of this summer hiking all over the mountains in my backyard, to include Malan's Peak, the Indian Trail, Taylor Canyon, Adams Canyon, Waterfall Canyon, Snow Basin, and the Bonneville Shoreline trail from Rainbow Gardens.  In June, I scheduled the Great Ben Lomond hike to take place on August 11.  We decided to take the Skyline Trail, which starts from the North Ogden Divide and climbs up along the spine all the way to the peak, stretching 8.2 miles one way.   

August 11, 2012 was a gorgeous summer Saturday.  Our group of 6 started bright and early, and the morning was cool and damp, making a great start to our trek.  We were all excited and full of energy, and we carried plenty of food and water in our packs.  We slathered on the sunscreen and began our journey.  The trail started out shaded as it switched back along the mountain side, and we stopped occasionally to snap a few pictures of the beautiful morning.  

In the Parking Lot, Ready to Go!

Looking Over Liberty as the Sun Comes Up

We continued our trek north around the backside of the mountain, alongside Liberty.  Gorgeous tall pines shaded the trail with an occasional glimpse of the open fields and green valley quieted by the early morning hours.  The trail eventually opened into a meadow, and we continued to make our way up along the backside of the mountain's spine.  After heading north for a ways, the trail switched back, and as we came around the corner, we caught our first glimpse of Ben Lomond since starting the trail, about 4-5 miles in:  

Ben Lomond Peak, with Willard Bay in the background

It was absolutely stunning.  Words cannot quite express the awe, joy, and anticipation I felt in that moment.  All I could do was stop and stare.  The trail now continued North again, still along the spine, but on the opposite side.  We now had views of the entire valley, and could see everything!  Willard Bay, the Great Salt Lake, and the cities lining the Wasatch Front, all the way down to Layton with Antelope Island and beyond.  

Looking South from the hillside with East North Ogden in the foreground

We stopped multiple times along the trail at this point to take in the breathtaking views...

The trail continues northward and eventually comes to a peak of sorts, where we stopped for lunch.  There were red ants everywhere, so we hung our packs on what we creatively dubbed "The Backpack Tree".    

The Backpack Tree

Feeling refreshed after our break, we continued along the trail, which wound along the backside for a moment before making it's way back to the ridge.  At this point, the slopes started to become really intense, and the ridges that make up the face of Ben Lomond were striking.  We stopped for some adventurous pics of our feet dangling off the edge before continuing.  

If it's dizzying to look at, imagine how we felt sitting there!!  :)  

We made our way off the ridge and back into a meadow of sorts, edging our way closer and closer to the peak, which still seemed too large to traverse!  Our moods were carefree and easy, just enjoying the sunshine and beauty around us, and dodging the more than occasional dirt bike that zoomed past us on the trail, kicking up dust in its wake.  

Hiking through the meadow with Ben Lomond Peak to the left

At this point, we came to a junction, where the multiple trails that head to Ben Lomond meet, marked by a wooden sign that had been carved years before.  It was barely legible, but let us know we were close!  Only 1.5 miles left to the peak!  

Let's Do This!  Me with Ben Lomond in the background

From here, the dirt and rocks covering the trail we were on turned from brown to a beautiful greyish-purple.  I'm not sure what the reason is for that but we thought it was pretty neat.  :)  At this point, the trail started to climb very quickly.  The last 1.5 mi to this is definitely the hardest.  We pushed each other, complained to each other in a joking but probably a little bit serious manner, and kept a pretty good pace to the top.  The trail starts to switch back pretty drastically about 3/4 of a mile in, and at this point you're climbing the backside of the peak.  The trail is really rocky and it would be easy to lose your footing, so you have to be careful.  There is not a lot of vegetation other than the occasional brightly colored flower:  

I pushed and pushed, and I will admit it got really hard for me.  I had done amazing with my breathing up until this last climb, and the elevation started to fight with my lungs.  I had to take twice as many breaths as my counterparts, and I started to stop about every 50 feet to catch my breath.  It was frustrating, but I pushed through it.  As such, I was the last one to arrive at the peak.  Not only did the trail take my breath away, but the beauty of what I saw combined with the realization that yes, I did it! took my breath away as well.  I stopped, standing alone on the west side of the small peak and took it all in for a few moments.  

Dustin captured my emotional first moments on the peak

I was absolutely overcome with joy.  I was now standing where my great and great-great grandfathers had stood, and seeing the things they saw.  (Well, obviously I was seeing more, as things have changed!)  I shed a few tears as I thought about the journey to this moment in time, and I gave thanks for it.  It's a moment I will remember forever.  

We enjoyed another lunch on the peak and took a few fun pictures of our group:  

Dustin and I taking a break on the rocky peak :)

The views from the peak were incredible, to say the least.  We could see Ogden, Willard Bay, Willard Peak (which is super close - another 2 mi hike from here) and Logan and Eden Valleys.  

Looking down on North Ogden and the Wasatch Mountain Range with Mount Ogden Peak rising up in the distance

The box that used to hold the register is still on the peak, with remnants of the old flag pole my mom talked about.  I was a little disappointed that there is not any sort of current register, just a few notebooks.  So we signed those to leave some sort of mark on the peak.  :)  

Me signing the small notepad in the box

 

The Plaque on the box gives a history of Ben Lomond Peak

No trek is complete without group photos, so the following session ensued:  

Our group with Cache Valley in the background

We then decided that Logan and Cache Valley needed to see the moon... ;0) Being upside down on a mountain top takes perspective to a whole new level!  

The journey down was a bit difficult, not technically, but mentally.  We knew we still had another 8.2 mi to go, and by this time the sun was high in the sky.  Most of the hike is in full sun, so we went through our water supply pretty quickly trying to stay cool.  We picked up the pace and eventually made it down, giving us a total time of 9 hours for 16.5 miles.  We took frequent breaks and 2 long breaks for lunch, so we figured a little over 2 mi per hour is pretty darn good for a bunch of amateurs!  

This was an incredible experience, and I would highly recommend it to anyone.  My only words of advice would be to make sure you are physically fit enough to hike 16.5 mi before you try it!  Take plenty of water and wear lots of sunscreen.  I would recommend a small group over just a couple of people, but either way I think it would be fun.  Keep a light heart and have a tough mind, and you'll love it!  

~ NAMASTE ~

Happy News, Sad News, and the Way the Cookie Crumbles...

It's Saturday morning, 7:49 a.m. to be exact, and I have been awake for almost an hour.  Surprisingly, I find myself with no plans today until later this afternoon, so I decided to update my blog!  Here are some quick updates in the life of Bethany:  


My grandpa is spending his last hours here on Earth - he has colon cancer, and it has begun to manifest.  He has a nearly complete blockage by a large tumor, and his body has started giving in.  He is bedbound as of last week, and I went to see him on Wednesday.  It is so hard to see someone you love in pain.  Luckily he is on pain meds, but the changes from the healthy, robust man I have always known to the frail, weak one I see now is heartbreaking.  When I walked in, he was asleep, but he woke up to see me.  I am grateful that even with the progression of his Alzheimer's disease, he always knows who I am.  He may not know what's going on in my life, but he knows me, and that's all that matters.  

He looked so happy to see me, and he took my hand, kissed it, and held it tight while he just stared at me with so much love in his eyes.  He had trouble speaking, but he was very adamant that I understand just one thing:  He asked me to recite a poem at his funeral.  I told him I would love to, and asked him if he had a specific one in mind.  He just told me on a day he is feeling better, he is going to plan out his funeral in its entirety.  By this time the drugs were taking over and I could tell he was fighting to stay awake, but we gazed at each other for a few more moments and somehow in my heart I knew we were saying goodbye.  It's so hard to say goodbye, but I'm glad we had that moment.  I will remember it forever.  

As I think about the ending of my grandpa's life, I can't help but worry about what this will mean for my grandma.  She is currently in denial - I don't think she wants to think about what her life will be like without him.  They have been married since they were 24 years old, and they have had a long and fulfilling life.  I am currently in the process of gathering pictures so I can give my grandfather a proper tribute, which will hopefully be coming soon.  


CAREER:  
Boy oh boy, the Farmers ride sure has been a crazy one!  From the deadlines, to the stress, to the clients, and the new relationships I build, it's a roller coaster for sure.  I love it - even though some days I come home absolutely exhausted and beat down.  It's empowering, unique, and the things I get to experience are amazing.  I recently went to the University of Farmers in California, and I am SO impressed by the curriculum there.  The classroom is hands down the BEST I have ever been in, and I learned so much, as well as retained so much.  I feel like I learned more there in a week than I did a full 3 years in college!  Other universities and schools could learn a lot by observing how Farmers does it.  No wonder its ranked #1 in the world.  Here's a fun picture I took while there:  

Don't we look studious? ;)

The thing I love most about what I do is the freedom I have.  Sometimes it feels like I work too much (okay, every day!) but it's by MY choice to do so.  I am building an agency, and I'm a business owner.  I make my schedule, and I choose to be successful.  It's so cool when I stop and think about it!!

I am grateful for my life.  For the struggles, for the triumphs, and for the every day tasks that sometimes seem monotonous.  I have chosen to be where I am now, and I'm happy with my choices.

The Hardest Conversation...

I had a rough conversation this past week.  I went to visit my grandparents, whom I love dearly and have recently moved to Utah from California to be closer to us.  My grandpa has early stage Alzheimer's and is also terminally ill with cancer, so he has good days and bad days.  I'm so blessed that he always remembers who I am and I am grateful for that.  He doesn't always remember Dustin, so I usually have to tell our story again, which I don't mind.  :)  After asking how we met, how long we have been married, and the usual things, the conversation went as follows:  


Grandpa:  "I hope you don't mind me asking, what makes a couple want to wait 4 years to have children?" 


Me:  "Well..."


Grandma:  "It's not that they don't want to, Keith, it's that they have had trouble."  


Immediately I saw the light go on in his eyes, and the pain he felt for me, though he didn't express it.  My grandpa is and always has been a very transparent man when it comes to his emotions. My beautiful grandmother went on to acknowledge how I feel, for she has been there before.  She said it better than anyone:  


"The hardest part is when you look around and everyone has children.  Your friends have children and that's all they talk about.  You watch these children grow up and you are helpless, and they just don't understand how hard it is."  


Thank you grandma.  I know you have been where I am now, and I appreciate so much that you know how I feel.  She went on to talk about how adoption was the best thing she ever did, and how she wouldn't trade her children for anything - I sure am glad, or I wouldn't be where I am now, as my mother was one of those adopted.  I am thinking of adoption - it's something we have both discussed; I just don't think either of us are really ready to take the next step. 


This is not a subject I talk about openly, and even as I'm writing it now I'm hoping that not many people will actually read this.  It's so close to my heart, and I have such strong emotions tied to it that I have a hard time sharing - but at the same time it's quite therapeutic.  


So thank you, Internet-land and blogspot, for providing me an outlet.  I do, in fact, feel better.  

A New Hippie?

I am frequently told that I'm a hippie, or more often, granola.  What's strange is that I am okay being called a hippie, but I hate being called a granola - not sure why, I love granolas too!  Maybe it's the fact that I don't drive a Subaru or wear Birkenstocks.  


So what is a hippie?  Most times, after being called a hippie or granola, those same individuals go on to tell me that the only reason I'm not is because I dress too stylishly to be a "true" hippie.  Talk about stereotyping!!  I don't actually know the real definition of a true hippie, but I'm happy to be called one.  Ever since I was little, my mother always told me that like her, I am a "free spirit".  This has always made me feel a little special - different, and it's a unique bond I share with my mother.  


Through my yoga practice, I have become very close to nature, and I strongly value my connection to the Earth, as well as the Sun.  It is a connection that is very hard to describe - I feel at one with these entities, and they energize me and give me light.  I love camping and always have - as well as hiking, lying on the beach, or just about anything that allows me to spend time in the sun.  I also focus heavily on eating things that come from the earth.  I do eat fish mostly, and chicken occasionally, but my diet is made up mostly of fruits, vegetables, and eggs.  


I think the bigger reason people associate me with hippiedom (?) is my unfiltered mind, and my positive, optimistic attitude.  I say what I think, when I'm thinking it, and a lot of times I find I think differently than the majority of people. Sometimes this gets me in trouble - but I wouldn't have it any other way.  I also have a hard time conforming - I have to believe that what I'm doing is right, deep down inside.  It is nearly impossible for me to do something just because others think it's great or since "everyone is doing it."  There is a childish part of me that snickers inwardly whenever I'm going against the grain.  :)  I'm also very peace-oriented.  Why can't we all just get along? 


I don't know if anyone cares to even read this - but I'm starting to learn that blogging is more for me than anyone else - it's good sometimes to get the thoughts that are floating around in my head down on paper (or in this case, the Internet).  


~NAMASTE~

Meditation Moment

I don't always get the time (or take the time) to meditate, but today I was reminded of how important it is, and how beneficial it can be to the mind, body, and spirit.  

Throughout the week, I tend to get very busy and put yoga aside, but I have been intentionally making time for it the past couple of weeks on Friday mornings, and I'm loving it.  My backyard is a mess but it's my own personal space where I can connect with myself harmoniously through nature.  

Today, it's overcast, hot, and muggy, but the slight breeze is quite cooling and the overcast sky makes a great cover for the heat, and lets the subdued colors of nature resonate with my practice.  I start out by taking a few deep breaths in half lotus, then move on to Sun Salutations, following the music and letting my body connect with the movements.  I'm feeling a deep connection to my practice, and I acknowledge it and give thanks for the moment.  

As I move through each asana, I feel a sense of release - of tension, of hurt, disappointment, stress... all of the negative emotions I experience throughout the week are simply exiting my body through my breath.  

As I near the end of my practice, I take a comfortable seat back in half lotus and prepare for meditation with one of my favorite Yoga Rhythm songs.  I close my eyes, inhale deeply and let the air fill my body.  I exhale fully and feel my body and mind begin to relax.  As I continue to breathe, I remind myself silently to simply let myself exist in this moment - there is nothing I need to do but just "be."  

Many of you can probably relate to this moment, and you also know that it's the next moments that make meditation "hard."  Instead of guiding my mind through my breath, I decided to try something different - I let my mind wander as I continued to breathe deeply.  As thoughts entered my mind, I explored how the people and situations I encountered this week made me feel, and I used my breath to release any negative emotions I was having.  It was a truly enlightening experience.  After a time, I found that my mind was able to rest, and exist quietly with my breath, absorbing the music and absorbing the nature around me.  

As my favorite song came to a conclusion ten minutes later, I quietly brought my hands together in front of my heart, and took a few more moments to give thanks to the people and moments in my life that make me truly happy.  I then concluded with a Namaste to them, to nature, and to my existence.  

Meditation is different for everyone - some of you may read this and think I'm weird, and that's okay.  Others may understand every word and relate it to their own experiences, and that's okay too.  No matter how you feel about me, about yoga, or about meditation - find that healing force in your life, and use it.  Connect with it daily, or even weekly, and remind yourself what makes you happy.  Give thanks to it and watch your life become a more positive and empowering existence.  

~NAMASTE~

I love the outdoors.  I am allergic to every tree, plant, and grass that's outside my front door in this beautiful state, but that doesn't keep me from exploring it every chance I get!  Utah is truly one of the most amazing places I have ever seen.  Granted, I haven't been everywhere, but I've been to quite a few national parks and I love that the beauty that surrounds me is comparable to the beauty in most national parks I have visited.  


I made a goal a few summers ago, and THIS is the year it's going to happen.  I love hiking.  I have always loved hiking, but just like with running, I have been limited by my asthma for many, many years.  As I have strengthened my lungs through running, I've noticed that hiking higher elevations has gotten a lot easier for me, and I'm thrilled!  I fully believe that a goal doesn't become a solid goal until it's shared, so here it is:  


By the end of this summer, I will hike to the top of Ben Lomond Peak in North Ogden, Utah.  It's something I have always wanted to do, and I know it will feel amazing when I do it!  


I have been hiking almost every weekend to help train for what I'm calling the Ben Lomond Beast.  :)  We are going to be taking the North Skyline Trail to the peak, which starts at the summit of the North Ogden Divide at an elevation of 6,180' and ascends to an elevation of 9,764' over 11.4 miles, ONE way.  It will be quite challenging to say the very least!


Here are some pics from the hike I took last weekend, to Malan's Peak, which is at an elevation of 6,980' and ended up being 7 miles round trip for us. 

One of the views from the Malan Peak trail, with Ben Lomond Peak in the distance to the North.  

At Malan's Peak, looking down on South Ogden

A panorama I took of Malan's Peak - full 360 view, with Ben Lomond Peak far to the North.

With some help from fellow hikers, we found the old resort area that locals have been telling me about for years!  I was so excited to find it.  It's a beautiful meadow on top of the mountain - we couldn't figure out how they got an entire resort up here.  

The plaque reads:  1898-1913

Site of Malan Heights Resort

Including 2 story hotel, sawmill, seven log cabins and a club house

Board & Room $6.00 per week. Single meal .35 and .50

Proprietors:  

Bartholomew Malan and Louisa Malan and Family

Plaque placed by Malan Family Descendents:  1997

Very cool.  Though we still can't fathom getting a hotel this high up on a mountain top.  

Our friend Pace standing atop an old cast iron boiler we found on a trail south of the meadow, used in the hotel.  Still can't figure out how they got it up there in the first place!  

It was a great hike, and a great experience.  These types of things make me grateful for my health, for my beautiful world, and for the opportunities I get to enjoy these wonderful moments.  

If you are interested in joining us on the Ben Lomond Hike, here is a link to the event on Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/events/453353488027666/453364431359905/?comment_id=453365591359789&notif_t=group_comment  

This is me taking it all in - Ben Lomond is to the north - so beautiful.

YOGA Love

It's very difficult to describe to an innocent inquirer the many ways yoga benefits one's life.  In order to fully understand, it must really be practiced and the heart must be opened to interpretation.  Yoga provides different experience for each individual, yet it is the same.  


To me, yoga is a chance to connect - to draw my attention inward and connect with my breath, with movement, and to connect to the Earth. This may sound quite strange to some, and very familiar to others who may read this, but to yogis, it makes sense.  Yoga is the most powerful and reverent form of exercise I have ever experienced, and it has the power to heal and calm both the body and the mind.  As an instructor, I have experienced its power firsthand, in my life and in the lives of my students.


Yoga is a need.  Yoga is a center.  I need yoga, for it centers me.  Yoga is my chance to push the world aside for a short time, focusing only on existing in those short moments I practice and meditate.  Yoga allows me to reflect on the things I love, the things I am grateful for, and the things I hope for.  

Being Me.

Over the past few years, I have done a lot.  To some, it may look like I am searching for something, or that I'm not satisfied, or that I don't know what I want, and I have actually heard this from people in my life.  But to those who know me well, I am just being me.  

I have a lot of hats.  We all know this.  I am a yoga instructor, natural nutrition educator, an insurance specialist, a runner, a hiker, and in the recent and distant pasts I have been a server, a medical transcriptionist, a receptionist, a physical therapy aide and manager.  I think that about covers it.  If I missed any I'm sure you'll let me know.  ;0)  

A lot of people may think that's an awful lot of hats to wear or have worn in my short lifetime, but to me it's essential.  Why?  First of all, I look back at the many, many relationships I have made and wonderful friendships I now have because of the things I have done.  I am also insanely grateful for the learning experiences I have had through each one of my occupations.  I can truly say they each played a part in shaping me into the person I am today.  I would in no way be able to handle the stressors I am faced with each day if I didn't have the skills I acquired along my journey.  

I feel a great purpose and great balance in my chosen paths, and I embrace them fully.  I have many talents and exploring each of those is important to me - I know who I am and I love discovering and nurturing the different aspects of my being.  

Some people may think that I'm a bit unstable, and that's okay.  I think that I am a little different from most people, and that is just fine with me.  I enjoy being who I am, I enjoy the fullness of life I experience, and most of all, I enjoy the people and relationships I build along the way.  I enjoy this beautiful land I live in and the ability I have to choose, to be free, and to be me.  I feel so blessed to have the wonderful experiences I have had and have yet to enjoy, and I thank you all for being a part of my life, big or small.  

~NAMASTE~