I Want to Be Remembered

Yesterday was an interesting day.  It was the 11th anniversary of 9/11, and I tend to find myself thinking about my life on that day, although yesterday more so than usual.  Sometimes life sneaks up on you and slaps you in the face as if to say, "Wake up stupid, start LIVING!"  I actually like to think I do a pretty good job at this thing called life, but I guess even I need a little reminder.

My doctor called me to tell me to get my butt in for an ultrasound of my liver, so naturally I complied.  I honestly wasn't too worried about it until I started having pain over the weekend.  Then those creepy little "What If" words started prying their way into my brain.  I did my best to push them aside until the day of the exam.  I hate worry.  Worry is a big green monster that has no purpose but to cause stress.  The thing about Worry is that you can't do anything about it because you don't know what the problem is, so how can you fix it?  

So, exam day arrives (9/11) and I find myself reflecting on how on this day 11 years ago, I was at this same exact hospital donating blood for the very first time.  I was 17 years old and had to get special permission from my mom.  They told me they were sending my blood to the site in New York, as my blood type is the Universal type, so they could most definitely use it.  They even informed me they were rushing the processing and it would be there in less than 48 hours.  Kind of cool for a 17-year-old.  I wonder who received that blood?  Since then I have donated many times, but I think I'm going to start a tradition of donating on 9/11, as my personal remembrance of that day.  

Anyway, I arrive for my ultrasound and the tech reviews my prior CT scan and MRI, and walks in saying, "Wow, that thing's impressive!"  I tell her "Um... that's not exactly what I want to hear... haha."  So she starts the ultrasound and as she's taking measurements she's like, "Whoa, have you had this thing biopsied?!" As I reply no, that's what the ultrasound is supposed to determine, she says, "Well are you going to?"  It's been my experience with ultrasound techs that they seem to lack a certain bedside empathy of sorts. I do my best to brush it aside, and as we finish, she lets me know my doctor will probably be in touch with me today.  

I don't know a lot about the human body, but from my experience in the medical field and with medical transcription, I do know this:  The liver is a tricky little SOB.  If you touch it, resect it, or even biopsy it, it has a tendency to be a major bleeder.  So naturally I don't want anyone touching mine!  Dustin asks me what I think as we get in the car, and I tell him I'm nervous. He tells me not to worry, but he thinks I'm probably going to need a biopsy.  Meh.  

The day goes on, and the hours seem to just slow down.  I'm not feeling well, and I don't know if it's due to nerves, or if I'm really fighting something.  I go to work and all I can find myself thinking about is those darn What Ifs.  Trying to shift my focus elsewhere, I dive into my daily duties when I arrive at work. However, my body takes over and I'm nauseous and feverish, so I head home and ultimately decide a nap is the best medicine for my body and my brain.  As I'm driving home, I think about my life insurance.  I know, I'm an insurance agent so naturally I would think of that, right?  WRONG.  I think about it because what would I do?  I honestly started thinking about how my policy would affect those left behind.  Luckily, I just increased my coverage so thankfully I'm leaving Dustin with enough to pay off debt and hopefully he can invest the rest and enjoy it.  

Here's the strange part - something I have NEVER thought about.  If I die young, I want to leave my family with something.  I don't have children yet, but I would like to leave my parents and siblings with a little something.  I didn't realize this before.  So in my brain I start divvying my life insurance policy, and I find I have enough to do this - but is it REALLY enough?  

Seriously, it's kind of stressful!  Anyway, at this point I told my brain to SHUT UP for now, and I arrived home for a nap.  A few hours later my doctor called. 

A thousand things could have been flying through my mind at this point, but surprisingly my mind was clear (must have been the nap).  He told me that while it's large, it hasn't changed and they think it's stable.  The recommendation is to leave it alone unless it grows or causes problems, so he was very relieved, as I was to hear it!!  

Dustin was out working in the yard, so I went and told him, and I could see the relief on his face.  The thing about Dustin is he's super tough mentally, so he'll never say he was worried, but he was definitely happy about the news.  It's a good thing he's tough, cos one of us needs to be.  :)  It works really well for us and I'm so grateful for him.  

At this point I have a new appreciation looking forward, and I have a feeling that's the lesson I was meant to learn.  I have been getting caught up in the daily grind, and that's something I can't do.  It's not me.  So this was a reminder for me to shake things up, and find balance.  There are many, many things I want to do with my life, and I don't ever want to face death knowing I didn't live chasing my dreams.  I am going to live each day relishing the simple things - and I am going to chase after the big things.  I am going to enjoy this beautiful Earth that God has given me, and I am going to live with an open and grateful heart.  I am going to be the best me I can be, and I want to touch others' lives in a positive way.  I want to be remembered, but more importantly, I want to know deep down in my heart that I did it all.  And that will be enough.  

~NAMASTE~