The Hardest Conversation...

I had a rough conversation this past week.  I went to visit my grandparents, whom I love dearly and have recently moved to Utah from California to be closer to us.  My grandpa has early stage Alzheimer's and is also terminally ill with cancer, so he has good days and bad days.  I'm so blessed that he always remembers who I am and I am grateful for that.  He doesn't always remember Dustin, so I usually have to tell our story again, which I don't mind.  :)  After asking how we met, how long we have been married, and the usual things, the conversation went as follows:  


Grandpa:  "I hope you don't mind me asking, what makes a couple want to wait 4 years to have children?" 


Me:  "Well..."


Grandma:  "It's not that they don't want to, Keith, it's that they have had trouble."  


Immediately I saw the light go on in his eyes, and the pain he felt for me, though he didn't express it.  My grandpa is and always has been a very transparent man when it comes to his emotions. My beautiful grandmother went on to acknowledge how I feel, for she has been there before.  She said it better than anyone:  


"The hardest part is when you look around and everyone has children.  Your friends have children and that's all they talk about.  You watch these children grow up and you are helpless, and they just don't understand how hard it is."  


Thank you grandma.  I know you have been where I am now, and I appreciate so much that you know how I feel.  She went on to talk about how adoption was the best thing she ever did, and how she wouldn't trade her children for anything - I sure am glad, or I wouldn't be where I am now, as my mother was one of those adopted.  I am thinking of adoption - it's something we have both discussed; I just don't think either of us are really ready to take the next step. 


This is not a subject I talk about openly, and even as I'm writing it now I'm hoping that not many people will actually read this.  It's so close to my heart, and I have such strong emotions tied to it that I have a hard time sharing - but at the same time it's quite therapeutic.  


So thank you, Internet-land and blogspot, for providing me an outlet.  I do, in fact, feel better.