The Hardest Conversation...

I had a rough conversation this past week.  I went to visit my grandparents, whom I love dearly and have recently moved to Utah from California to be closer to us.  My grandpa has early stage Alzheimer's and is also terminally ill with cancer, so he has good days and bad days.  I'm so blessed that he always remembers who I am and I am grateful for that.  He doesn't always remember Dustin, so I usually have to tell our story again, which I don't mind.  :)  After asking how we met, how long we have been married, and the usual things, the conversation went as follows:  


Grandpa:  "I hope you don't mind me asking, what makes a couple want to wait 4 years to have children?" 


Me:  "Well..."


Grandma:  "It's not that they don't want to, Keith, it's that they have had trouble."  


Immediately I saw the light go on in his eyes, and the pain he felt for me, though he didn't express it.  My grandpa is and always has been a very transparent man when it comes to his emotions. My beautiful grandmother went on to acknowledge how I feel, for she has been there before.  She said it better than anyone:  


"The hardest part is when you look around and everyone has children.  Your friends have children and that's all they talk about.  You watch these children grow up and you are helpless, and they just don't understand how hard it is."  


Thank you grandma.  I know you have been where I am now, and I appreciate so much that you know how I feel.  She went on to talk about how adoption was the best thing she ever did, and how she wouldn't trade her children for anything - I sure am glad, or I wouldn't be where I am now, as my mother was one of those adopted.  I am thinking of adoption - it's something we have both discussed; I just don't think either of us are really ready to take the next step. 


This is not a subject I talk about openly, and even as I'm writing it now I'm hoping that not many people will actually read this.  It's so close to my heart, and I have such strong emotions tied to it that I have a hard time sharing - but at the same time it's quite therapeutic.  


So thank you, Internet-land and blogspot, for providing me an outlet.  I do, in fact, feel better.  

A New Hippie?

I am frequently told that I'm a hippie, or more often, granola.  What's strange is that I am okay being called a hippie, but I hate being called a granola - not sure why, I love granolas too!  Maybe it's the fact that I don't drive a Subaru or wear Birkenstocks.  


So what is a hippie?  Most times, after being called a hippie or granola, those same individuals go on to tell me that the only reason I'm not is because I dress too stylishly to be a "true" hippie.  Talk about stereotyping!!  I don't actually know the real definition of a true hippie, but I'm happy to be called one.  Ever since I was little, my mother always told me that like her, I am a "free spirit".  This has always made me feel a little special - different, and it's a unique bond I share with my mother.  


Through my yoga practice, I have become very close to nature, and I strongly value my connection to the Earth, as well as the Sun.  It is a connection that is very hard to describe - I feel at one with these entities, and they energize me and give me light.  I love camping and always have - as well as hiking, lying on the beach, or just about anything that allows me to spend time in the sun.  I also focus heavily on eating things that come from the earth.  I do eat fish mostly, and chicken occasionally, but my diet is made up mostly of fruits, vegetables, and eggs.  


I think the bigger reason people associate me with hippiedom (?) is my unfiltered mind, and my positive, optimistic attitude.  I say what I think, when I'm thinking it, and a lot of times I find I think differently than the majority of people. Sometimes this gets me in trouble - but I wouldn't have it any other way.  I also have a hard time conforming - I have to believe that what I'm doing is right, deep down inside.  It is nearly impossible for me to do something just because others think it's great or since "everyone is doing it."  There is a childish part of me that snickers inwardly whenever I'm going against the grain.  :)  I'm also very peace-oriented.  Why can't we all just get along? 


I don't know if anyone cares to even read this - but I'm starting to learn that blogging is more for me than anyone else - it's good sometimes to get the thoughts that are floating around in my head down on paper (or in this case, the Internet).  


~NAMASTE~

Meditation Moment

I don't always get the time (or take the time) to meditate, but today I was reminded of how important it is, and how beneficial it can be to the mind, body, and spirit.  

Throughout the week, I tend to get very busy and put yoga aside, but I have been intentionally making time for it the past couple of weeks on Friday mornings, and I'm loving it.  My backyard is a mess but it's my own personal space where I can connect with myself harmoniously through nature.  

Today, it's overcast, hot, and muggy, but the slight breeze is quite cooling and the overcast sky makes a great cover for the heat, and lets the subdued colors of nature resonate with my practice.  I start out by taking a few deep breaths in half lotus, then move on to Sun Salutations, following the music and letting my body connect with the movements.  I'm feeling a deep connection to my practice, and I acknowledge it and give thanks for the moment.  

As I move through each asana, I feel a sense of release - of tension, of hurt, disappointment, stress... all of the negative emotions I experience throughout the week are simply exiting my body through my breath.  

As I near the end of my practice, I take a comfortable seat back in half lotus and prepare for meditation with one of my favorite Yoga Rhythm songs.  I close my eyes, inhale deeply and let the air fill my body.  I exhale fully and feel my body and mind begin to relax.  As I continue to breathe, I remind myself silently to simply let myself exist in this moment - there is nothing I need to do but just "be."  

Many of you can probably relate to this moment, and you also know that it's the next moments that make meditation "hard."  Instead of guiding my mind through my breath, I decided to try something different - I let my mind wander as I continued to breathe deeply.  As thoughts entered my mind, I explored how the people and situations I encountered this week made me feel, and I used my breath to release any negative emotions I was having.  It was a truly enlightening experience.  After a time, I found that my mind was able to rest, and exist quietly with my breath, absorbing the music and absorbing the nature around me.  

As my favorite song came to a conclusion ten minutes later, I quietly brought my hands together in front of my heart, and took a few more moments to give thanks to the people and moments in my life that make me truly happy.  I then concluded with a Namaste to them, to nature, and to my existence.  

Meditation is different for everyone - some of you may read this and think I'm weird, and that's okay.  Others may understand every word and relate it to their own experiences, and that's okay too.  No matter how you feel about me, about yoga, or about meditation - find that healing force in your life, and use it.  Connect with it daily, or even weekly, and remind yourself what makes you happy.  Give thanks to it and watch your life become a more positive and empowering existence.  

~NAMASTE~